What to do when life goes pear shaped -an 8 step guide from my life (4 min read)

Hello people it’s good to be back!

Some of you who follow the Re:Root blog may have noticed that things have been pretty quiet for a few weeks around here, almost as if I went AWOL. And why? Well the best laid plans can go wrong.  Sometimes life just kicks in and everything goes pear shaped.  (For those of you either not from the UK or from my particular generation that means that the plan went wrong.)

And oh boy it went wrong… or did it? The answer to that is both yes and no.

On the one hand I did not plan for problems with my medication, college, telephone, money and deadlines to hit me all at once subsequently affecting my sleep so that I was functioning on totally drained resources and starting to spiral into a depressive place. However on the other hand the teachings I received during this time, the strength I had to manifest to stop myself sliding down a slippery slope of depression and the cathartic process of allowing my emotions to release has meant that I have come out on the other side a little stronger, a lot wiser and incredibly grateful for the abundance and experience of my life.

In a previous post 5 STEPS TO SURVIVING THE HARDEST OF DAYS… I talked about how to survive when you have a  crappy day. Some of the guidance here is applicable when life goes pear shaped. But usually when life goes pear shaped it is more than just a crappy day or a couple of days.  It’s something unexpected happening which interrupts the flow of your life in a negative way. It can be a week or two and if not taken control of its longer and longer, a pear shaped situation can be seemingly endless. And that my friends is dangerous for you. 

When life goes pear shaped we can choose to allow the situation to drown us or to take it head on and get your life back on track in a richer, wiser way.  

Getting your life back on track when it goes pear shaped is possible. How? With a little connecting, taking control and reconnecting it is possible to deal with the pear shaped moments in life healthily and constructively.

When and if the excrement hits the fan in your life try these 8 steps to bring it back online again.

Be in the moment consciously

When life goes pear shaped the first thing it triggers is our flight or fight response followed by an emotional reaction. A lot of life guidance out there veers us away from feeling and towards taking charge of the situation and yes while that is important it is equally important to allow our bodies natural mechanisms to function. Basically I mean at the start of whatever is happening let your feelings do the running for a few days (preferably no more than three). Allow yourself to feel what you are feeling, it’s healthy. Be sad, be angry. I don’t mean let the feeling take over you but just be mindful that you need to feel what you are feeling, Notice each feeling consciously and work it through. Journal, talk, draw, sleep, workout do what you need to do to get to the stage where that feeling is not the be all and everything.

Realise life’s not gone wrong, it’s gone pear shaped.

The words we use shape our view of our reality internally and externally. If you ask yourself why is this is going wrong you are using very negative language. Something that is ‘wrong’ is perceived as hard to fix if not irreparable.  By using the word wrong you are putting yourself in a victim role, a passive role, this has happened to you. In order to bring life on track you need to step into an active role and to that you need to consciously change your language use to change your thinking and change your situation.

Try and think of it this way: In the Urban Dictionary the expression  “pear shaped” is   

“based on the visualisation of a plan being like a perfect circle. When something goes wrong, the plan is distorted and becomes pear-shaped.”

So life has not gone wrong it has just been distorted. This mental shift may not feel like much however it is an ENORMOUS energetic shift in your thinking when you need it the most. A distortion can be adjusted or reversed.

So when you get to the stage where that feeling is not the be all and everything, turn your thinking around by recognizing that life has just gone pear shaped, it is currently distorted. And if it’s only distorted you can change it. But how…

Look for the teaching

Why did this happen to me? (Who has never thought that in their life.) This is exactly the question you need to ask yourself next. (And I don’t mean in the “why did this happen to me it’s not fair!” sense). You need to look for the teaching.

Life is constantly throwing us clues…and we ignore them, or can’t hear them or notice them but don’t do anything about them. When life goes pear shaped it can often be because a particular message has been trying to get through to us for some time and it has had to take it to Defcon 5 to get us to notice. (For example I really do believe that one of the reasons type 1 diabetes manifested in my life was to teach me to take care of myself something I was appalling at).  No matter what the situation in life there is always a teaching. And it is these teachings that help us to grow.

Integration of the teaching

What are you going to do about the teaching or the message life is sending at you? For me I recently unearthed a lot of repressed Daddy issues I thought in place and dealt with that unconsciously still affect my self confidence, even more so now Mr T and I live together .  I could ignore this information but that would result in another even bigger distortion in the future. So I jumped onto to google university and am currently doing 5 mins self love affirmations daily while I slowly work through this old wound.

So once you have found the teaching find your self a way to incorporate this into your life. It  may be a small thing or a big thing you need to do, the important thing is DO SOMETHING with your teaching and DO IT NOW!

Motivation

If you have been following the steps you have your understanding and a plan of how to incorporate this into your life. Sometimes this is motivation enough to reform your pear shaped life into a perfect circle again. Sometimes it’s harder.

If like me you have to fight old habits like falling into the depression cycle then it’s incredibly hard to “pull yourself together and take charge of your life”. However no one will do it for you. Only you can run your life. Accepting this will help with the motivation. Make sure your success criteria can be easily fulfilled. In a nutshell don’t set yourself up for a fail by aiming to high and pushing to hard to start with.  Basically take it slowly and succeed with baby steps. Success is the best motivator in the world so give yourself lots of easy things you can accomplish and slowly work through them (see below).

Be kind

Be kind to yourself and don’t overestimate your success  criteria. What I mean by this is you need to start small. To get your  life back on track you need success experiences.  However you have also been through a process so start with the little things. Washing up is a great mini success experience, as is cleaning. It also has the added bonus that as you clean up your outside world you also clean up your inside world. Once you are managing the small goals work up until you feel like you are back on track then just keep on going! Remember also to not get into the guilt cycle if you don’t make a goal for a few days or even a week. It will happen when you decide you have the right energy to make it happen.

Being Proud

It not easy to get back on that horse after that fall. However you are trying and you need to be proud of yourself for that. And I mean actively proud. You need to be your own cheerleading squad and celebrate your victories no matter how small. The small battles are often the ones that need the most celebrating. You got out of bed Yey! You opted for a healthy breakfast at the table instead of cereal from the packet under the duvet Yes! You went back to work today! It’s time for a celebratory dinner. I know it might feel false at first however there isn’t always someone to clap you on the shoulder to say well done so we have to do that ourselves. A great habit to get into at the end of the day is to write an achievement list. Basically a list of all the things you are proud of yourself for today. And make sure that you start each sentence with I am proud of myself because…………….. AND you include the little things you otherwise tend to disregard.

Call in Support if it gets too tough

No matter what we do need other people. Even Superman and Batman needed their support in the form of Alfred and Louis. So even though this article primarily focuses on what you can do for yourself, you can also ask for help. Whether it’s off loading on a friend or creating an accountability person or finding a therapist, call in the support you need. The important thing here is to make sure that this is the support you NEED. It might be great to cry on a friend initially but after a week is this the best help you need? Is this going to help you consciously turn things around?  Identify the help you need and ask for it.

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By consciously connecting with ourselves and feeling, taking control our negative thoughts and reconnecting with our lives in an altered state of understanding and motivation we can reform the distorted circle and get our lives on track again when things go pear shaped.

 

I look forward to hearing about your success stories down in the comments below. Right now I off to give myself a little self love in the form of yoga followed by a glass of water and then probably a glass of  red wine to end the day. 

Have a lovely week ❤

#enjoythejourney

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Making New Year’s resolutions that are easy to keep! – Time to get started! (2 min read)

This is the last part of a series of guides to help you make New Year’s resolutions that you can keep throughout the whole year. Don’t worry if you haven’t been following up until now. New Year’s resolutions can be made throughout the new year. Personally I prefer to do it as the land turns from Winter to Spring so that my journey follows nature’s cycle around me. However if you want to follow this guide you need to go and have a look at the part one (identifying your goals), part two (setting your goals) and part three (Making your plan) of this system otherwise it simply won’t make sense.

If you have been following the system you should by now have got your vision clear and made a plan for each goal. After all this fantastic work you are now absolutely clear on what you are going to do and how you are going to do it. So what’s left? Actually not much. However there is one last thing that is vitally important. Preparation. Any good plan is carried out best when you prepare.

Don’t worry you don’t have to prepare for every goal at once. It would be too unrealistic and set you up for a fail. Take a look at your plans. One of these goals is going to be something that you really need to do right away. It might be the one you are really inspired to do. Choose that. Look over your plan and decide how to prepare.

One of my goals is to improve my lifestyle and focus on my holistic health. In a nutshell I want to do more yoga and eat healthy. And as we all know this is not as simple as it sounds- So I have been making preparations. This weekend I researched some yummy looking healthy snacks (snacking is my thing ever since I quit smoking) and I’ve been finding out how much time I have to exercise. So slowly I am starting to make preparations.

The important thing here is to go slowly and remember baby steps. This week I am going to start exercising 5 mins a day and have salad every day., oh and this weekend I have eaten all the junk food in the house . Maybe counterproductive but it means temptation is gone.  It may seem strange to start with such a little commitment in the beginning however with doing 5 mins a day it gets me into a habit that will grow each week until I have reached my daily exercising to my goal target. Little by little my life is going to improve and change.

This last month the thought processes you have been through have laid the foundations , the roots of a path of growth you start this year towards your dreams your life changes. Because of this groundwork you and your life will continue to evolve into the life you have imagined for yourself.

So identify the preparations you need to make and get going!

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#Lifelessons101 – I do everything in our house – but do you really?

After talking to a Mr  the other day about our role in our homes and in our families. It became very obvious that we both were having the same feeling and frustration about our lives. We both felt that we de 90% of everything at home. We both felt that every day we had to tidy up after the other. It’s especially ironic as when we moved together we dealt our roles up in the home so we both had different jobs. A perfect idea but not realistic.

However it was great to get it out in the open. It somehow brought closer. Later in the same week I spoke with a friend and she also told me that she felt the same in her house. It infact is a common problem between people living together whether as friends, strangers on partners. We all feel that we do the most and that it is unfair.

Often when we feel like this we allow the feeling to sit inside of us. It builds up pressure and eventually explodes. The worst thing we can do is repress our feelings. Physically it can’t do harm to your body. Repression builds up stress. Stress turns our body into continuous stress mode. This in turn tightens up places in our body where eventually toxins gather. (If you would like to read more http://fitlife.tv/this-is-what-happens-to-your-body-when-you-suppress-your-emotions-original/)

In short this problem is common. However this very common problem can actually be solved, with patience, compromise  and a little bravery. Mr T and I talked it through. By talking it through honestly and without taking offence, we learned about the things we did that annoyed the other. It gave us the opportunity to assess our actions in certain situations. As well  we got a clear idea of what the other one did in the home.

There are many different small problems like this when people live together. On a base level it is part of our animal makeup. We all vie for a strong position in the pack we all have an unconscious opinion about what is right for our pack and how we should survive or live. Luckily our species has evolved to a point where we can step out of our animal state and stretch our comfort zone by talking about these issues.

Here are a few guidelines to use when discussing these sort of problems.

  • Choose a time and space where you won’t be interrupted
  • Explain to the other person that this is not a personal attack but a chance to talk out an issue and find some solutions.
  • Talk about your issues and give space for them to tell about theirs.
  • Respond not react. Remember the other person is not attacking  you but is explaining something that makes their own lives unhappy or frustrating.
  • Be patient with each other and take breaks rather than arguing.
  • Make one agreement where both of you have to try something to improve the situation. (Not more it’s hard to remember more).
  • Make sure that the dialogue is not closed- that you can discuss this again in the future)
  • Do something fun together afterwards.

Remember this kind of talk has one very important goal it is to bring you closer to the other person/people by understanding each other. As I said before it takes a bit of bravery to step out of our comfort zone however when we do it brings a release and sense of freedom. 56d4f13dee2bdd494f3b2a5150d9b67d

Have a wonderful weekend 🙂

Making New Year’s resolutions that are easy to keep! – Making your plan (4 min read)

This is the third part of a series of guides to help you make New Year’s resolutions that you can keep throughout the whole year. Don’t worry if you haven’t been following up until now. New Year’s resolutions can be made throughout the new year. Personally I prefer to do it as the land turns from Winter to Spring so that my journey follows nature’s cycle around me. However if you want to follow this guide you need to go and have a look at the part one (Get inspired) and part two (Creating the vision) of this series, otherwise what you are about to read simply won’t make sense.

To those of you who have been following the steps you are hopefully raring to start working on your dreams and goals for this year and after this last week you will have a crystal clear vision of the changes you wish to make.

Holding the vision is important and will make your dreams easier to manifest. However a vision is not enough. If you don’t know what you need to work on and how to do that then you vision remains a dream, a nice picture in your mind and an unfulfilled goal.  So what next? How can you make your vision become a reality. The answer is really, really simple. Make a plan.

You may have heard the 5 P’s Proper Planning Prevents Poor Performance. Now I do in part agree with this, on the other hand I find it a stressful and demanding. In my book proper planning gets stuff done.

But what do I mean by planning? There are many ways to do this. The simplest I have found is to take each goal and define the steps you have to take to create this. This week you have two steps to follow.  Give yourself good time to think this through and record your ideas. This is the foundation, the roots of the work you will be fullfill this year. Make strong roots adn you will have a strong plant. If you make a strong plan you will have better results.

Make a plan

Now say for example your goal this year is to travel a country for three months. In this case you have some very clear decisions to make and steps to follow.

Choose which country you want to go to

  1. Research the ways you wish to travel, hotels, youth hostels, work away and what you want to see.
  2. Research the cost of your trip.
  3. Save money.
  4. Book time off work.
  5. Book your holiday
  6. Go.

In this case it’s very simple. You can even set target dates on each of the steps. But what if your goal is not a clear to create for example to improve your self confidence.  In this case you need to do a lot of background thinking to achieve this goal. Also you have to be realistic. Can you do this in one year? Or will you have to spread this over a few years? In which case what do you want to achieve in this year? With goals such as this you can still make a plan in the same way as for travel. You just need to think it through more. One of my life coaching clients made this plan for improving one part of her self confidence over one year, by focusing on self love.

  1. Identify what it is I don’t like about myself.
  2. Talk about this with my life coach.
  3. Find a strategy for each issue with my life coach.
  4. Begin one strategy each month.
  5. Write a gratitude list every morning or evening.
  6. Use a self love affirmation every morning in the mirror while I brush my hair.

One year one my client is more confident and happier within herself. Together we have identified and implemented 3 strategies in her life to improve her relationship with herself. Her self confidence isn’t completely in place, however it is beginning to be less of a hinderance in her daily life and her life quality is improving.

The steps to take are easy when making your plan.

  • Choose one goal.
  • Clearly define it.
  • Write a list of the steps you need to take in order to achieve your goal.
  • Set a start date.
  • Set a completion date
  • Do the same with all of your goals.

Evaluate and adapt your goals:

Making a plan is also a great way to evaluate your goals and dreams for this year. Are they realistic. When you break it down into bite size chunks and there are too many steps or impossible tasks then you need to redefine your goals.

 

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Enjoy this process. Make it simple. Make your plans realistic. And remember to make it fun. The whole point for me in life is about enjoying the journey. Life does not have to always be hard work. Keep this in focus as you are planning. After all the resolutions you make and want to keep should be improving your own life quality other wise there is not much point in making them!
Have a fantastic and motivating week. Next week is the last part of this series so tune in again on monday to begin making the changes you dream of in your life and to begin living the life you have dreamt of.

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Making New Year’s resolutions that are easy to keep! – creating the vision (3 min read)

I hope you had a wonderful and inspiring week. If you have been following the guide from last week’s article  Making New Year’s resolutions that are easy to keep! -get inspired, then you should now be really clear about where you are in your life and where you want to be.

Creating the vision is one of my favourite parts. It’s about finding and setting your goals. One of the best bits of advice I can give here is BE REALISTIC and make your goals manageable. Don’t set yourself up for a fail. For example don’t set one of your goals as to be a millionaire by Christmas this year if you are currently in a low paid part time job. Your goal to be a millionaire can be realised in say 5 years, but right now you need to set a goal of improving your financial situation and beginning to lay the groundwork which will bring you closer to your millionaire goal.

So how to set realistic manageable goals? actually it’s quite an easy process. If you follow the simple guidelines below then you will by the end of this week have a crystal clear vision for your new year’s goals.

Identify your goals

From your findings last week pick out 4- 6 things that you need to change to improve your current life quality. And remember folks this process is all about improving your life quality. You can have goals for your family but those goals need to be centralised around your life changes. You only have the power to change your own life. So identify the most immediate changes you need to make.

Completion date.

Set an completion date for the goals. I always set mine for October. A completion date makes your goals focused and accountable. Simply you know when I have to be done by. This does not always mean a goal or dream is completely finished. It may be that you have an end goal to buy your own house but it will take two years to save up the deposit. So tis years goal becomes save one half of the deposit by October. It is still working towards your main goal, just in a realistic and achievable way.

Evaluation date

Choose a half way point in your year as an evaluation date. Personally I always start my evaluation at August  when the harvest is being brought in.The evaluation is important. It is an evaluation of progress so far and lets you identify the work left to be done. How to evaluate comes next week. For now just set the date in your calender.

Forming your vision

Now this part is fun, especially if you are a creative person. It’s time to make your vision more concrete. It’s time to create a vision board. Collect pictures and phrases  this week that represent your goals for this year. Also find a picture of yourself where you are truely happy. Now take a piece of cardboard ( I use 2 A3 pieces stuck together) and glue the happy you in the center. Divide your board into 4 to 6 sections and group the pictures and images that correlate to each other in a section. I love this part. Make time over the weekend to create your vision board. I like to make this a celebratory event and when complete I toast my vision with a glass of wine. Set time aside this weekend to create your vision board and when you have done hang it somewhere where you will see it every day. If you cannot think of somewhere I suggest putting it across from your toilet, after all you are in there every day!

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So that’s part two of creating new year’s resolutions that will last. By spending time on this process of creating your vision you will make your journey this year so much clearer. Think of it like a recipie book. You start with a picture of the finished product, just as you are doing with your vision board. Then there is a set of instructions on how to make the recipie. And next week we will be looking at how to make the recipie for your goals and dreams to be met this year.

For now enjoy creating your vision and giving yourself clarity to your dreams. Don’t forget to take sometime to thank yourself for dedicating yourself to improving your life. (I plan to take this week very slowly and make time to give myself a daily pampering 🙂

 

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#Lifelessons101 – What to do after a storm hits your life (2 min read)

Storms come quickly, bringing chaos. Life is swimming along at a normal and even comfortable tempo then suddenly from nowhere BAM! Something happens that in a minor or major way uproots your life. And the weatherman didn’t even tell you it was coming.

Yesterday we had a storm hit us. Our landlord dropped by to tell us there would be a  4000kr increase in our rent starting in February. My reaction process started with f……………….k!!!

Amazingly I then went through a series of reactions that by the end of the day I was feeling happy about this challenge and determined to overcome it.

First reaction : survival mode. I looked at the budget, can we pay?(We could but only just from now on until we generate more income we are living the way I hate counting every kroner and have no opportunity to save).

Second reaction: shock. I cried. A lot. I talked my frustration out (in a snotty and garbled way). Mr T was wonderful and comforting he tried to get me to say it would be ok. But right at that moment  I couldn’t. I was overwhelmed so I cried until I could cry no more. It was cathartic and released me from the drama of my fears.

Third reaction: Success experience. I knew I couldn’t do anything more about the problem right then and there. What I needed was a success experience. So I did the washing. Something small but easy to do (well it would have been if the cat hadn’t removed the waterpipe and therefore also flooded the bathroom! However I cleaned it all up and solved that problem so ha ha success!) For the rest of the day I gave myself small manageable tasks that made me feel successful.

Fourth reaction: Finding the positive. As I spent the day making small achievements, I realised that this financial pressure was actually a blessing in disguise. Life has been very comfortable of late, too comfortable. Not that I am saying being comfortable is wrong. My experience has simply been that comfortable without a little challenge makes boredom.As soon as this was realised my energy shifted. Now I could see we have been given an opportunity.

Fifth reaction: Energised and determined. Having proved to myself I can succeed all day, and after brainstorming, I could now see that the things I had been thinking of doing to increase our income and not yet done I now have an immediate motivation for. A kick up the butt to get my plans and dreams realised. Suddenly I am raring to go!

So who knew that a rent increase would actually be an inspiration and motivational factor!

Of course it might not have been. If I had chosen to sit down and stay at reaction number one, then this storm could have been crippling both mentally and financially.  Storms are crap. We all know that. We have all been there. But the important thing about the storms that hit us is not how we are hit, but how we survive afterwards. Storms bring change and peace after them if we choose to respond in a healthy way. Next time a storm  hits, slowly and in your own time try these five steps and you will turn your problems into opportunities.

Survival mode: Batten down the hatches and do the minimal things you need to do to survive.

Shock: Allow your emotions to come out. Do Not repress them. Allow yourself to get to the emotional state where you feel like a wrung out dishcloth. It empties the sadness, frustration and anger out of you.

Success experiences: Do some very simple things that you can succeed at. Wash the dishes. Do the washing. Feed the dog. Nothing you have to think about, just something you can do. MAke yourself do this. It’s actually the most important step as it transitions you to a positive space.

Find the positive: How? Look for it. There is always a positive side. A lover leaving does allow you to do things you didn’t do because of the relationship. A broken washing machine brings with it the opportunity to really deep clean the bathroom which you have been putting off for months. What opportunity did this storm bring?

Energised and determined. Find ways to overcome the challenge life has thrown at you. You don’t have to start then and there (unless you want to). Look at the opportunity this challenge has brought you and work towards to achieving whatever it is that opportunity brings you.

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This process took me one day unfortunately (or fortunately) I have had a lot of practise. It might take you longer. You may need two days in shock and a week of small successful experiences before you can find the opportunities. You will find them when you look. The way you respond to a storm creates the next step in your journey, only you can decide how that journey will be. 

 

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Making New Year’s resolutions that are easy to keep! – Get inspired

I love the New Year, don’t you? For me it is a time of potential. The old year is past and it’s a new beginning. At time for making new resolutions and new agreements with yourself. In fact you could say New year is the the only time where we collectively make a conscious effort in personal development as a society.

The only problem with New Year’s resolutions is that often they fall by the wayside as the year progresses. The challenge is that we often make resolutions too quickly, without preparation and sometimes to follow the accepted behaviour of our social groups than our own wishes. With all of this against us it’s no wonder our new promises fail.

However it doesn’t have to be this way! (Hallelujah!)

How? Slow down the process of making resolutions. Instead of making an on the spot resolution I actually take the whole of January to find the inspiration, choose and prepare for the changes I want to make in my life and create my vision for the coming year. And the result of this is goals that manifest and the wonderful feeling in december that I know I have done what I set out to do. And most importantly I have enjoyed the process.

This month I am going to take you through the process of creating your vision for 2017. By following the guide you will achieve the goals you set for you and live the life you imagine for yourself.

So this first week in January it’s time to get inspired…

Assess your life:

It’s time to take stock of where you are in your life. Who are you? Where are you? What have you done? What are you grateful for at this precise moment in time? What is it you are happy about in your life? What is it that you are unhappy about? Split your thoughts into three groups happy, unhappy and in the middle.

Throughout this week meditate in these questions and write down your answers as they come. Don’t do anything about them now, just collect this information.

Compare your life with your ideal life:

We all have an idea of how we would like our life to be. So next weekend take some time to write a description of your perfect life. And by perfect I do mean one where any fantasy and possibility is fulfilled.  

Remember a perfect life is not an end goal rather think of it as a continuously evolving process. How you want your life to be is going to change as you move through your life. What you need to identify now is what are the constant things you want to make you happy?

Compare your description with your thoughts about your life this week. What are the repeating themes? What is in your life now and in your vision of a perfect life? And most importantly what is not in your life now that is in your perfect life?

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By the end of this
week you will now have a clear idea of where you are and where you want to go. Don’t do anything about this yet. This is your starting point. The inspiration for the vision you are going to create and work towards. But you are not completely done. There is something else very very important you have to do this week

I want you to make yourself a promise this week. There will be something in your life you are very proud of yourself for. When you find it then promise yourself to celebrate it by next weekend. By celebrate I mean do something for you. PErsonally this week I am going to the sauna. This last year I have worked blooming hard and manifested many of my dreams so my present to me is to relax! But it doesn’t have to be big, it just has to be something that is you giving yourself a pat on the back and a thank you.

Don’t forget to write in the comments what it is you are proud of yourself for and how you are going to celebrate it!

Come back next monday to find out the next step of creating New’Years s resolutions you can keep…

HAve a wonderful week ❤

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Improving your relationships : Part 3 – 8 tips for improving exsisting relationships, you get what you give (5 min read)

This is the final part in the 3 part series about how to improve your relationships. In part one we looked at the seed of any healthy relationship, the relationship with yourself. Last week we looked at the roots of growing a healthy relationship and this week we are going to talk about  how to create relationships that grow and blossom.

Starting a relationship is for the most part relatively easy. Whether with a lover, a friend or even a family member; there is an underlying attraction that draws people together. At the beginning. Often after the initial excitement the relationships energy trickles away.

Imagine two children on the playground they meet, find something in common, become best friends, the bestest ever best friends, two days later one of them meets another child and has a new best friend.

As adults our relationships often can and do follow a similar pattern (albeit over a longer period of time.) And after a while you may find yourself wondering where are these people who were once so special in your lives or why do your relationships start out with such promise and then turn into nothing. This is the point where you need to take action and get out of some destructive habits.

Someone once told me it takes more energy to work at having a healthy relationship than it does to make a successful business. And it’s true .However work does not need to be difficult, it can be easy when kept simple. You basically get what you give. With a little effort, patience and sometimes compromise your relationships will blossom. At the same time you will be able to identify if a relationship is good for you or not.

Here are 8 guidelines to having a healthy, happy relationship with anyone in your life – try them and enjoy the blossoming of beautiful relationships. For best results do this conciously with the person who you want to improve your relationship with, so you have the best chance.

(Remember these tips don’t just have to be for people you have an unhealthy relationship with, you can also use them to improve healthy relationships too !)

  1. Make time

In a busy daily life it’s easy to miss spending time with the people who matter to us. We often take the attitude that they know us so well that they will understand. However as I said in my previous article assumption is the mother of all fuckups. People do get fed up of being ignored and naturally drift away to find relationships where they are important to someone.  Mr T and I have increasingly busy lives, in fact some days we will only see each other for half an hour in the whole day. So we make a point of sitting down and eating dinner together every evening we are home, even if that is only for 15 minutes. It makes the opportunity for us to check in with each other. Another solution we have found is five minutes cuddle before sleep. And my favourite is date night. One evening a week just for us.

Of course not everyone can have the luxury of a whole evening together. For example my Mum and I live in different countries and our weekly time tables do not sync at all. However we make the effort to write to each other over facebook and skype once a month. So make time for your relationships, 5 minutes, fifteen minutes, an evening or once a month, it will make a massive difference with a minimum of effort.

2. Don’t expect – talk

Ugh Expectation. One of the major issues in every relationship. Have you ever planned an evening for you and someone special that was completely not how you wanted it to be and you ended up disappointed. Of course you have, we all have.

The challenge is that we all have our own expectations, they way we expect things to be. And we also have the expectation that those who know us  will automatically know and fulfill our expectations. Unfortunately they can’t. And at the same time they are expecting you to know and fulfill their expectations. A destructive catch 22. Or is it?

Of course its not break that cycle and tell them what you want. And ask them what they want. It’s really that simple. If you are going on a date or a holiday explain your expectations. I have an arrangement with Mr T that when I get upset about something he has to ask me do I want a ‘fix’ (a solution to the problem) or a ‘hug’ (comforting and listening). It saves the traditional “you’re not listening to me” conversation as a man tries to fix the problem while a woman pours her heart out.

Direct honest communication is a foundation to any relationship, explaining and discovering expectations takes communication to a healthier level.

3. Agreements

And this naturally brings us to agreements. Making an agreement and sticking to it goes a long way in any relationship. And I don’t just mean the we agree to meet at a certain time and place kind of agreements. I am talking about small agreements we can make to show others that they are important to us and that we are important to them. For example it could be that you like the bed to be made and your partner is the last person up so he does that and at the same time he loves smoothies so you make him one for breakfast and leave it in the fridge for him. Making an agreement is different to doing little random things to make people smile. It’s an agreement between two people that says I love you and I appreciate you, so even though I don’t care about the bed being made every day I do it to make you happy.

4. Compromise

Compromise. An oldie but a goodie. We are not all the same no matter how similar we might seem. Compromise is a nutrient to our relationships. It is a question of how important is it to be right or get our own way if this damages our relationship and hurts someone we care about. Suggesting a compromise solves arguments and discord. It is giving a little to create something stronger and more beautiful. However it is a two way thing, Both of you need to make compromises to balance the relationship.

5. Treat people how you want to be treated

It actually as straight forward as it sounds. Send out a loving vibration and it will get mirrored back to you. Fun Surprises, stupid notes in hidden places, an unexpected present or even a funny meme sent on facebook shows someone you care. The more you do it, the more they will do it for you. (And if they don’t then reconsider that relationship)

6. Sorry  and Forgiveness

We all argue. We all say hurtful things. We all hurt the people we love the most. For some reason it’s in our nature. Saying sorry should be the easiest thing in the world however sometimes it isn’t. You have to learn to let things go, it’s in a way the same as compromise. If you have done something to hurt someone, even if unintended say you are sorry.

At the same time if we hold on to something that hurts us we actually only hurt ourselves. If you want a person in your life that has hurt  you then you have to truely forgive them and tell them.

The best part about saying sorry and forgiving is the making up! Make sure you make up and create the happy energy between you, even if it’s just a tickle fight. Shifting the energy will make everything alright again.

7. Have fun, share experiences and make memories!

Not only is it important to spend time together, it is equally important to share experiences and make memories together. Of course this often happens naturally, however if you feel as though your relationship with someone is getting stuck in a rut then liven it up by making a memory together. I love this part. I especially like to do it on birthdays. They happen every year so if you try something new or do something lovely you will remember them all and make people happy.  Also try doing something you really want to do together. Last summer I invited my Mum and Brother Rob to the Warner Brothers Harry Potter tour. It had been years since we had last done something together as a family. Now we have had a day we will never forget. So shake things up and do something different together, it makes a memory that will keep you both smiling long after the actual day.

8. Check in with the status of your relationship

Throughout this series I have been using the metaphor of a plant to represent the healthy growth of a relationship. However there is one other important time to take into consideration, the time when the plant dies.  This does not necessarily mean that the relationship will die. After say 6 months  I use this as a metaphor for evaluation. What have my efforts manifested? It could be some of the things I have tried didn’t actually improve the relationship so I can drop those. Or it can be celebrating how my relationships have grown and blossomed in which cas it’s definitely a good idea to do this together.

However by conciously trying to improve your relationship with someone you may also have noticed that they are not putting in the same energy as you. It’s at this time you have to ask yourself is this reelationship healthy for me? Do I want this relationship in my life? Can this relationship be saved? (if so talk to the person and use some of the advice above) Or is this time to walk away from a relationship where I am not valued and find a relationship where I am. This is going to be a whole another topic for another article in the new year so if you need some help with this then keep your eyes peeled.

Give your relationship an evaluation after 6 months of using all the tips and advice in this series and see where the relationships in your life are going.

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So that’s the end  (for now)  of my series on improving relationships in 2016, more tips and advice will be coming your way in 2017.  Rememeber the basic road to improving your relationships are easy to remember just think of a plant’s cycle  the seed, the roots, the growth and the letting go.

Let me know how it’s going using these tools to grow a healthy relationship in your life and especially what you found the most useful in the comments below, or on the Re:root facebook page. And if you find something that works that isn’t on here, then please please share it so we can all benefit from your experience.

Have a lovely and loving week and just remember you give what you get, it’s that simple ❤

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Improving your relationships – The roots of a healthy relationship in 6 easy steps (3 min read)

This is part 2 of the three part series on Improving your relationships. Last week was about you, this week it’s about other people.

The roots of a great relationship

People need other people. It’s the way we are made. We need each other to create, to support and to love. We need to connect and to be important to someone. Baumeister and Leary claim that human beings are “naturally driven toward establishing and sustaining belongingness.” As we all know relationships can be some of the most fantastic experiences in the world and some of the worst. It’s up to us to make them wonderful!

Last week we looked at your relationship with yourself, the most important of all. The seed from which every other relationship comes. But now it’s time to look further to grow the roots of your relationships. A relationship isn’t just between lovers, it’s between every one you are close to. If you grow deep healthy roots in your relationships you will be stronger and happier in your life. It’s as simple as that!

I know, I know  it sounds hellishly complicated, however I promise you it’s not as hard as it sounds. In fact in 6 easy steps you can grow the roots of healthy relationships with anyone in your life.

Know your boundaries

In any relationship you will have to make compromises so it’s important to know your boundaries, to know what you want, how you want to be treated. To know what you will and won’t accept. By loving yourself you know that you deserve to be respected. 

Remember this doesn’t just go one way. Other people have different boundaries and these also need to be respected. You may have heard the saying we hurt the people we love the most. Unfortunately it is true so you need to think about how you would like to treat them.

Think of a relationship you already have or one you want to have .Write a description of that relationship describing how it will be in the future. How can it be a healthy, respectful and caring relationship.

Don’t assume

An ex taught me the phrase “Assumption is the mother of all fuck ups”. It’s true. We know our internal world so well,that we often forget that people can’t read our internal dialogue. We know  exactly how we want to be loved and yet we forget that this is not always obvious. Stop assuming and start explaining. Instead of taking offence, ask if the person meant to offend. Explain to a loved one how you would like them to help you when you are having a hard time. And yes this does work with children and colleagues too. (Obviously with a change in how you use your language). However remember that this goes both ways so invite the other person to explain their inner world. It is a new habit to train, but once in place makes life sooo much easier.

Forget about perfection

In any relationship there will be challenges. People are different and we can’t always get along. So don’t expect otherwise. What you can do is choose how to respond to these situations. Do you react or respond? Can you agree to disagree? And most importantly can you take the move to communicate and heal the situation. In a healthy relationship our egos have to be put aside for them to work.

If this is not possible you then have to ask yourself how important is this relationship in my life, does it serve me and the other person. If not you know what to do..

Be honest

Healthy relationships just don’t work without honesty. If something is bugging you about the other person and they ask you what is wrong, don’t answer “nothing”. How is that supposed to help? The problem can’t be fixed if you don’t explain what it is. And obviously lying is a complete NO GO!

Be kind and loving

It sounds stupid to mention it but be kind and loving. We often forget to be kind to those we love or are close to. Kindness with no thought of a return goes a long way. After all it’s the little things in life that count after all. Mr T for example today posted on Facebook how proud he is that I passed and exam. It meant so much to me and has made me feel happy all day 😀

And laugh!

Laughing, taking time for each other and making it important to have fun with the people in your lives is what makes wonderful memories and  relationship so worthwhile. So arrange to have some fun with someone you care about and be as silly as you can!

Find someone who you want to improve or build a relationship this week and try the six steps. It’s amazing how our relationships can be enriched with a little effort.

Tune in next week to find out how to grow and blossom your relationships until then have a wonderful week getting closer to the people you love.

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Improving your relationships part 1 – start with yourself (3 min read)

This is the first of a 3 part series looking at how you can improve your relationships. This week is …

Improving your relationship with yourself.

Your relationship with yourself is the most important relationship you’ll ever have. And unlike any other relationship this one is lifelong, you can’t go away from yourself. Now, as you all know; I love nature. Especially because it can be used to mirror our own personal development. So if you imagine that you are the seed of your relationships. The central part from which everything else grows from. If you are a gardener you will know that it is impossible to get a healthy plant from a rotten seed. Likewise it is impossible to create great and healthy relationships,  if you don’t have a healthy loving relationship with yourself.

What does a healthy relationship with yourself look like? It is loving yourself, accepting yourself and truly respecting yourself. With this comes a sense of contentment and empowerment that without a doubt makes you a strong, powerful and happy individual. And when you feel like that you’ll know that you have a healthy relationship with you.

Now that’s easy for me to say, but how easy is it to do? Actually  it’s easy peasy. Like any seed needs to be constantly nurtured, fed and watered, so too does our relationship with our self need constant nutiuring.

But this doesn’t have to be a hard and time consuming process. Loving yourself is a fun experience. It makes life more joyful and enjoyable.

Follow the guidelines below, give yourself a week of love and be amazed at the feel good results by Sunday!

Know your strengths :

It can be challenging to identify your strengths and good points, however it is possible. You need to be objective and even a little bit clinical. Fold a piece of paper in two. Make a pros list on one side  and cons list on the other side, remember this list is  all about you. What are your pros, what are your cons? Once you have written tear the two lists apart and throw away the cons list. Put the pros list where you can see it every day. Read this list once a day and remind yourself how awesome you are!

Look after your machine and get some air:

I know I say it alot (and it is to remind myself as much as to remind you guys) a body and spirit can not function at it’s best if you don’t give it the proper fuel. Eat healthily, drink water, exercise and get plenty of fresh air. Getting outside is seriously important for improving your health. Not only does it get you away from the computer, it actually improves the body’s digestion system, blood pressure and makes you feel happier and more energetic.

Respect you:

Make choices that show yourself you respect yourself. Hold to your personal beliefs and make choices  that support those choices. Also be acting in a way that shows you respect such as taking pride in your appearance and asking yourself what thoughts am I wearing today? Not eating Macdonalds when you want to because you want to loose weight. All of these things increase your self pride and self respect. And that makes it easier to love yourself.

Look for the beautiful in you:

Ok we all have those bits of us we hate, but when our numbers up how much time will we have wasted criticising our appearances. The negative and judging voices in your head are loud and it’s up to you to silence them. Look in the mirror and instead of instantly finding the bits you dislike, find the bits you like. Say something like I don’t like my hips and I do love my eyes”. Find at least 5 things and do this every day. Mirror experiences will become more fun and you’ll feel great and loved.

Show you that you love you and take yourself on a date!

We love creating a wonderful experiences for other people and showing them we appreciate them,  but what about doing it for ourselves. That we are not so good at. Why? because it’s easy to put others first. Plan a date for yourself. Go out somewhere, have dinner, see a film go for a sauna and a swim. Do something that makes you feel loved and lovely. Try and make 10 mins a day where it’s you time. Read a book. Give yourself a hand massage. Be luxuriously loving to yourself. You deserve it.

Have a wonderful week getting to know and love you (and doesn’t just have to be one week, reminder you are there for you for life.) Tune in next week to find out how this loving seed grows into the roots of stabil, healthy and loving relationships.

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